i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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