Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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