We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
