you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize