Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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