I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
