i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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