I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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