I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
