I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
