Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
