Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
they call him Oral-B. enough said
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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