dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
