I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
