woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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