yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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