woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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