oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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