Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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