he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
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