she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
PANTIES FOUND
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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