Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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