sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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