I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
