NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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