Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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