I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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