unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
