Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
two words...techno handjob
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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