Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
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You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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