Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
