I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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