I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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