well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
