does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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