you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
