I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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