if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
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Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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