i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
