Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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