I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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