Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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