Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
