after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
