I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
