I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
