I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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