70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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