I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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