so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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