i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
They took my balls.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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