I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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