Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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