my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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