I've blown a few things in my day
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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