My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
